Haven't posted for a while....

I haven't posted here for a while, and I apologize.  I decided I wasn't going to go through my Europe photos until I get home, for various reasons. The main one being I didn't want to get any more depressed than what I already was, and looking through them would only make me sad and wish I was back traveling. It will be a good project for home though.

Speaking of which, I come home in 2 DAYS! Woah! My flight is at 7:15 AM on Monday, so my plan is to not sleep on Sunday night since I am usually up til 3 am anyway and take a taxi around 5am to the airport. From there I have god-knows-how-many hours of travel. I have tried to figure it out, but I just get confused with the times changes and what time it will "feel" like, etc. So I am just going to go with it, take my Nyquil/Tylenol PM (not both!!!), and get through it the best I can.  

I have been writing a TON in my journal. Which makes up for me not posting here, kinda. Right now is just a very personal time, I guess, and, not that I DON'T want to share that with everyone, I am just trying to figure everything out myself, you know? Which I am finding to be incredibly difficult.  I don't even know what I am trying to figure out sometimes! Trying to make sense of everything. Doing what I need to do.  A lot of thinking and reflecting that you all probably won't find that interesting! 

Yesterday was great despite having to say goodbye to 3 of my closest friends here.  They all left today.  I didn't cry at the time, but when I was chatting with Mom about it this afternoon I did. A little. A short but very much needed sob. Now it is out of my system. I think. 

One way of making the transition back home easier for me is to think about things I am excited for there, goals I want to accomplish, tasks I can set for myself to focus on, something other than feeling sorry and sad for myself.  I have been brainstorming:

- Relearn Spanish: I used to be nearly fluent. I did have it for 10 years in school.  But after 2 years of not having it every day in class, using it with my friends, reading it, I have lost much of my confidence with it. I KNOW I know it, I just need to become more confident with it. 

- Read a book a week: I will be working more hours this summer (YAY for having a job! THank God), and more hours means higher probability of me sitting around doing nothing which means more time for me to read! I need to make a book list though, so I can go to the library! Any suggestions would be appreciated!

- Do an INTENSE cleaning of my room: After living with not a lot of stuff here, I realize how much extra crap I just have sitting in my dresser and closets. (I also realize how much I miss the extra stuff I actually USE- this all will stay!). Things like all my old theatre scripts and binders that take up an entire shelf. I will never look through these again.  They will never be useful again. I will keep things like cards, flyers, and other stuff I deem important (Scrapbook maybe?!?!), but other than that- RECYCLE! I am not going to go all crazy and throw all of my possessions away, just things I should have gotten rid of a long time ago. 

- Get back into cello: I feel as though I have forgotten everything. Homer is probably lonely.  Maybe like at least 3 hours a week? I need to build up my calluses first! Pretty, eh?

- Learn harmonica: For funsies.  

- Start exercising: Not only should I do this for health reasons (I've been feeling kinda chuncky and not good), I also think it will help me get rid of stress/anxiety. If I'm upset about being away from Ireland- I'll go for a run.  I think it will be running and yoga and Pilates. Yes. 

- Work on a cappella stuff for GAC: Planning, arranging, all that good stuff.

- There's more, I'm sure....

But yes, I like goals.  Although this trip has taught me a lot about myself, it was more so challenging my independence and my confidence.  I feel as though these goals will further challenge me, to see just what I CAN accomplish after this weighty experience. I will not let myself down. I can't, it isn't an option.  I am excited. 

European Travels

We made it back! I still hate planes...

The trip was wonderful, considering the little planning done in terms of itinerary making, something that I realize I REALLY prefer to do, as much as I try to tell myself I am okay with going with the flow. This annoyed Ross greatly.  

I have so many photos. I just uploaded them. 668.  I need to focus on my last final exam that's tomorrow before I go looking through them.  PLus, it will probably just make me sad, now that the trip is really over.  I don't think I realize how much fun I did indeed have and how great an experience it really was.  

The trip made me think a lot about myself.  It's amazing what stress, odd food, excitement, and the unknown can do to a person.  I have a lot of thinking to do.  Trying to sort stuff out.  Who I am, who I want to be, who I think I am, how I relate to others, all that good stuff.  

It's hard now going from being with Ross 24/7 for the last 12 days to being completely alone in the apartment.  I will see friends tomorrow, so that will be good.  

I am desperately trying NOT to get emotional too early. About leaving forever, I mean. Like, not getting myself into "that place" where I am just a mess, if I am not already in it now, or at the very least on the brink.  I just feel like if I don't go to "that place" I would be lying to myself, being something that I am not. I need to balance thinking and not-thinking. Yes, that is what I will do.  

I kept up with my journal fairly well on the trip, but still have much to write. Then I will write more here about everything.  I still have some studying to do though, so it might be a few days before more details and pics are posted.  

Wow, I really did have a great time. 

Life is complex. 

It is here: Now

The Collage of My Mind in May

A collection of thoughts on 5/3/09

***

It has finally happened. "Now" is here. "Now," the moment I dreaded. "Now:" The arrival of May that strikes me on the side of the head, leaving me in a sobering dizziness of fond yet restless nostalgia for the last four months, all the while triggering my emotional obligation to make "this last one count." 

"This last one count." I've lost all sense to what that even means.  Memories with blurry edges mix in the blender of my mind while I desperately press through all the buttons in search for OFF. Too much blending and all I'm left with is a soupy mixture of people, places, and things that were at one point important and distinct, but have now dissolved into this one mental cloud that's supposed to be My Experience Here.  But I am pressing while blindfolded, still trying to figure out by what.

***

There's only 31 days on that calendar,

the one that I gently flipped 

from April showers to May flowers

just a few hours ago today, 

three days late says the fussy one,

but I'm sure as hell not counting down.  

***

CD's I need to upload when I get back home:

- Barenaked Ladies "Stunt"

- All of Dave Matthews Band

- Juanes "Un Dia Normal"

- Alanis Morisette "Jagged Little Pill"

***

I have not had anything sweet other than fruit since my parents left a week ago. No candy, no cookies, no cakes, no ice cream, none of the sort.  I have been eating astonishingly healthy and of enough substance, but I still have cravings.  Granted, they are not as persistent as my normal cravings, but I think I read somewhere that after some time without such foods your body stops craving them because it realizes the cravings were primarily emotional.  This MAY be the case, but I can think of no better pick-me-up than a handful of cookies, a tub of Ben&Jerry's, and/or (depending on the urgency of the pick-me-up) a giant Snickers bar.  Screw biological needs, sometimes a girl just NEEDS some sweets! 

Tomorrow will be the day of personal investment: Ice cream.  Preferably chocolate. With everything.

***

The white plastic bag still powdered

with stale kiwi fuzz and potato dust

from the week's market run

I keep crumpled by the window,

tucked between the bottles and bread

on the poorly-painted sill that doubles my pantry,

reaches at this very moment

to escape out the bottom gap

where my funny window opens

on the back of the wind like flowers' pollen,

and with each soft rustle I wonder

if it will be there next time I want it. 

***

My hair is almost to the length of where I cut it myself back in February.  I would get it cut here again except 1) Cost 2) I want to be able to put it in a pony or pigtails when in Europe 3) My mom scheduled an appointment for me at home on June 6th! I am excited! I sometimes wonder how people from home remember me with my long hair and then how most people here only really know me with my short hair.  I cut it about 3 weeks into the trip, so I hadn't really met people I still see. 

***

Sorry for the random yet at times quite lyrical (but judge for yourselves!) post.  Things have been quite rushed here with planning the Europe trip, finishing papers, and studying for my first final on Tuesday.  Yikes! Tomorrow will be library day so I can print all our travel stuff and study. Wednesday is trip into town to buy necessary items such as a lock, oatmeal, granola bars, AND WHITE V-NECK MAN SHIRTS! If they have them. Not sure where to get them in Europe. I'm talking the Hanes plain white low v-neck undershirts. I think they'd be good for traveling because they're light, great layering pieces, match with everything, never look dated. I love man shirts.  

That's all for now. Enjoy the sun for me, those in MN!  

Best wishes,

Susan