It is here: Now

The Collage of My Mind in May

A collection of thoughts on 5/3/09

***

It has finally happened. "Now" is here. "Now," the moment I dreaded. "Now:" The arrival of May that strikes me on the side of the head, leaving me in a sobering dizziness of fond yet restless nostalgia for the last four months, all the while triggering my emotional obligation to make "this last one count." 

"This last one count." I've lost all sense to what that even means.  Memories with blurry edges mix in the blender of my mind while I desperately press through all the buttons in search for OFF. Too much blending and all I'm left with is a soupy mixture of people, places, and things that were at one point important and distinct, but have now dissolved into this one mental cloud that's supposed to be My Experience Here.  But I am pressing while blindfolded, still trying to figure out by what.

***

There's only 31 days on that calendar,

the one that I gently flipped 

from April showers to May flowers

just a few hours ago today, 

three days late says the fussy one,

but I'm sure as hell not counting down.  

***

CD's I need to upload when I get back home:

- Barenaked Ladies "Stunt"

- All of Dave Matthews Band

- Juanes "Un Dia Normal"

- Alanis Morisette "Jagged Little Pill"

***

I have not had anything sweet other than fruit since my parents left a week ago. No candy, no cookies, no cakes, no ice cream, none of the sort.  I have been eating astonishingly healthy and of enough substance, but I still have cravings.  Granted, they are not as persistent as my normal cravings, but I think I read somewhere that after some time without such foods your body stops craving them because it realizes the cravings were primarily emotional.  This MAY be the case, but I can think of no better pick-me-up than a handful of cookies, a tub of Ben&Jerry's, and/or (depending on the urgency of the pick-me-up) a giant Snickers bar.  Screw biological needs, sometimes a girl just NEEDS some sweets! 

Tomorrow will be the day of personal investment: Ice cream.  Preferably chocolate. With everything.

***

The white plastic bag still powdered

with stale kiwi fuzz and potato dust

from the week's market run

I keep crumpled by the window,

tucked between the bottles and bread

on the poorly-painted sill that doubles my pantry,

reaches at this very moment

to escape out the bottom gap

where my funny window opens

on the back of the wind like flowers' pollen,

and with each soft rustle I wonder

if it will be there next time I want it. 

***

My hair is almost to the length of where I cut it myself back in February.  I would get it cut here again except 1) Cost 2) I want to be able to put it in a pony or pigtails when in Europe 3) My mom scheduled an appointment for me at home on June 6th! I am excited! I sometimes wonder how people from home remember me with my long hair and then how most people here only really know me with my short hair.  I cut it about 3 weeks into the trip, so I hadn't really met people I still see. 

***

Sorry for the random yet at times quite lyrical (but judge for yourselves!) post.  Things have been quite rushed here with planning the Europe trip, finishing papers, and studying for my first final on Tuesday.  Yikes! Tomorrow will be library day so I can print all our travel stuff and study. Wednesday is trip into town to buy necessary items such as a lock, oatmeal, granola bars, AND WHITE V-NECK MAN SHIRTS! If they have them. Not sure where to get them in Europe. I'm talking the Hanes plain white low v-neck undershirts. I think they'd be good for traveling because they're light, great layering pieces, match with everything, never look dated. I love man shirts.  

That's all for now. Enjoy the sun for me, those in MN!  

Best wishes,

Susan