Gustavus and More Mood Swings

Recently I have been questioning if I am really happy at Gustavus. Well, I shouldn't say "recently" because I thought about it Fall semester too.  And though I think it is natural for students to question their college at some point or another, I just don't know the extent to which I should allow my questioning to continue, or if I should do something about it.  ANd I am not talking about transferring to UCC, I don't know if I completely like their system here either.  Sometimes I wish I had put more thought into my college choice, but I can only say that in hindsight because at the time I was looking for colleges I didn't know what I wanted, where I wanted it, anything, so I really just applied to some schools and picked GAC. I can't say why I chose GAC other than I thought it had "everything I wanted" whatever that meant.  But I have changed so much since then that I don't know if GAC really fits my life anymore.  I hear people both in Minnesota and here at UCC talk about their home universities, and I wish I could hold Gustavus in the same light as they did theirs.

I know I shouldn't rush into things, but I also don't want to spend the next two years unhappy. And I also feel like why should I "make do" with GAC, or just "live with it," when both my parents and myself are investing so much money in my education, money that at times I question is worth that I am getting for it.  

I think I have a chronic aversion to staying in any one place too long that isn't my physical home in Tonka Bay.  I get too used to things. I see myself able to be happy anywhere (for a certain period of time I guess, before I get my next desire to move...) but if that's the case, why do I feel "unhappy" at GAC? or at least question my happiness?

Perhaps I am just worried that once I go back to campus I will feel that no one understands me anymore, that no one has experienced what I just experienced, and it's true: They won't have.  

I probably won't do anything about this. Maybe I am just tired.  I think too much when I am tired. Get emotional.  Plus, even if I DID want to transfer, I wouldn't be able to do so until next Spring, as deadlines have passed I think. Well, for some schools. And I don't even know where I'd transfer to. 

I guess I will just try to make the best of what I have: Get my money's worth, so to speak. And I actually have some big plans for next year too, even if they aren't in the "ideal" setting I was hoping for.  EPIPHANY!: Maybe it's just that GAC is in such a small town. I first enjoyed this, but after experiencing more of the Cities in the SUmmer/Fall (explorations with Brittany) and living in Cork, I realized I need a certain level of stimuli to keep me interested.  St. Peter is not the most stimulating town in Minnesota...But I don't want to be going home every weekend! 

Sigh....Looks like I will have to get more creative with things to do back at school.  And go through with my big plans.  I would write them here but I fear someone will take my ideas first. I will keep busy and that will take my mind off of missing Ireland and people.  

Jeez I am going to be a MESS when I get home...Watch out family! This is how I picture my first week upon returning to go: Me remaining in my pajamas the entire time and not showering, pinning my greasy hair back with more and more bobbypins since it can no longer fit into a ponytail nicely; gorging myself on any and all food cravings I have, even if that means paying a family member to run to the grocery store to get said food items; trying desperately to stay clear from the movie "PS: I Love You" but filing miserably, watching it on repeat whilst balling my eyes out, surrounded by Kleenex and all the random objects I brought back from Ireland; sleeping during the day and staying up all night; hugging Bobber for hours on end and having him give me the "What the frick is going on?" look; all the while using the entirety of emotional and physical strength I can muster up to NOT call/text/chat/think about the people I have met here and I much I miss them.  Yes, parents, I will be wonderful to deal with. You can look forward to that pretty picture.  

I read over all of what I just wrote and realize I sound like a complete nut-job. I am really not this emotional.  But sometimes Life gets at me in certain ways.

Off to dinner-making in my dirty-a** kitchen. Gah I am so sick of it.  Seriously.  Pisses me off that I have to live with it while other people have nice kitchens and clean dishes.  Mood swing!

Dinner should be good though: Chicken stir-fry.  Maybe I'll feel more positive once I eat. 

Sometimes I have difficulty spelling the word "difficult" when I am writing. Ironic?